My Familiar Face

I apparently look like a lot of people (or do they look like me?) because at least once a month, I get asked if I am somebody else. Its pretty disorienting, especially when I am enjoying a sandwich at a and someone in fatigues walks up to me and asks if I was in so-and-so unit at base so-and-so…

My response: “I’ve never even been in the military…SIR!”

Its just weird, but I can’t help but think that there’s gotta be a way to turn it to my advantage somehow.

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Randomizer’s 5 Rules of Tech Support

This is just a start, I’m sure that more will come to me as time goes on:

Rule #1 (People Suck rule): Customers are filthy liars. They change things, screw up their system, and then call you and insist that “it just stopped working out of the blue.” Okay, yeah, sometimes Windows or Visual Studio will randomly goof something up. The only thing that truly happens “just out of the blue” though is hardware failure. Everything else is either the result of something a customer screwed up or an new update that was automatically installed (or wasn’t installed in some cases). Customers will almost NEVER fess up and say what they did to goof up their system, though. Instead, they will make something up or just answer “Yes” because they think you’re working from a script.

Rule #2 (Sherlock Holmes rule) If all possibilities are eliminated, the impossible has to be the answer. When dealing with Windows and Visual Studio, sometimes weird stuff does just happen (see above). Hell, we’ve had Microsoft tell us: “Yeah, we know about that bug, but we aren’t going to fix it.” No matter how much a customer insists your suggestion will not work, insist that they do it. Even if it sounds obvious or weird to you, give it a shot, IT JUST MIGHT WORK.

Rule #3 (Mr. Rogers rule): Customers are like little kids; they want the newest stuff, they whine when it doesn’t work, they threaten to tell your parents (supervisor) if you don’t do something for them, you have to hold their hands and walk them across the street, and you also need to pat them on their head and tell them they’re special every once in a while. Always keep this in mind, especially the head-pat bit.

Rule #4 (Time Warner/Comcast/your cable company rule): If you are unable to help the customer (or cannot), always give them the illusion that you are trying. Every support team has certain customers that “cry wolf” and specialize in making mountains out of molehills, or that want help with somebody else’s product (usually Windows). Fark ’em. Give ’em what I call the “cable company” answer: “We’re working on it.” Wait, and then give ’em the bad news. If they think you tried, they will be less likely to get angry when they get the bad news.

Rule #5 (Lion King rule): EVERYTHING IS YOUR FAULT. Its your fault that the customer spilled tea on the keyboard. Its your fault that the power supply on their database server blew up and they have no backups. Its your fault the head programmer left and the source code for the app was on his machine that has already been re-imaged. Learn to live with this. Water off a duck’s back, baby.

You Only Spam The Ones You Love

I HATE SPAM.

Yeah, yeah, I know, big whoop, who doesn’t…but I’m not talking about the spam that promises cheap meds, or that king in wherever-it-is who fled the country and needs help getting his money, or the stock WHOSE VALUE IS ABOUT EXPLODE IN JUST A FEW DAYS SO BUY IT NOW!!! Mmm…no.

I can deal with that stuff, spam filters have gotten pretty good these days.

I’m talking about the stupid chain-letters and the stupid collections of “inspiring” or funny images (except for lolcats, they’re alright) and the stupid cutesy messages that well-intentioned friends send. What pisses me off even more is when I get them on my cell phone. Jokes are fine but NO FARKING WAY am I forwarding a message to ten other people because it says “IF U LUV JEBUS SND 2 10 FRNDS K THX BYE” I’d like to think The Almighty has better things to do than count the number of texts I’ve been sending. Also, I barely have ten friends now and so I’d like to hang onto them, thank you very much. (not true, but just I couldn’t resist the setup)

What bothers me isn’t that the spam is coming from friends. What bothers me is that these supposed friends are sending me crap instead of an ACTUAL message of some sort. Even if it is just “HOW U DOIN” or “DNT WRY BE HAPY ” I’d much rather get a personal message that someone put some effort into (even if it was thirty seconds of effort) instead of the same shit that everyone else and their dog is getting. I knew one person that pulled this crap for several months and when I got a new cell phone number, I sure as fark didn’t give it to him.

As a general rule, if the list of recipients is longer than the message itself, its going directly to Binary Hell!

No passing Go, no collecting $200…straight to BINARY FUCKING HELL.

Arrgh!

Killer Job

Got some eye-opening news from the doctor, today. My weight went up again (I admittedly have been slacking off) and my blood pressure is also on the rise. The doctor showed me a graph showing the gradual increase in weight, and it stared going up last July.

Last July is when I started my current job.

Methinks I’ll be asking for a transfer tomorrow.

Un-Reliant

Well, the Reliant now has over 36,000 miles on it. It went over the hump while I was driving down to my parents’ on Saturday. I guess this is where it starts to fall apart. Granted, I wouldn’t have gotten there so quickly (27 months) if it hadn’t been for my crappy job in New Braunfels, but that’s neither here nor there. Time to start thinking about that next vehicle. 🙂